Have you ever been disappointed? What a dumb question. Everybody has? Right? Being disappointed is such a universal experience (like fear and love) that nearly anyone experiences it regularly.
But often what we feel disappointed about is so mundane. Yes, if someone broke my heart, I feel disappointed (obviously?). But what about the weather? I am currently in Austria, and we had three days of sunshine. Now it is raining for two days. Am I disappointed about that? What does being disappointed actually mean?
The meaning of disappointment
First let's check the dictionary (Webster 1913):
Disappointment, n. Cf. F. désappointement. 1. The act of disappointing, or the state of being disappointed; defeat or failure of expectation or hope; miscarriage of design or plan; frustration.
So far, so good, but let's go a bit deeper and check the word's etymology. I refer to etymonline.com. Highlights are by me.
disappointed (v.) mid-15c., disappointen, "dispossess of appointed office," from dis- "reverse, opposite of" + appoint, or else from Old French desapointer "undo the appointment, remove from office" (14c., Modern French from désappointer). Modern sense of "to frustrate the expectations or desires of" is from late 15c. of persons; of plans, etc., "defeat the realization or fulfillment of," from 1570s, perhaps via a secondary meaning of "fail to keep an appointment."
Dis-appointed, therefore, is the reversal, negation, or undoing of appointing someone or something.
Let's check that word. appoint (v.)
late 14c., "to decide, resolve; to arrange the time of (a meeting, etc.)," from Anglo-French appointer, Old French apointier "make ready, arrange, settle, place" (12c., Modern French appointer), from apointer "duly, fitly," from phrase à point "to the point," from a- "to" (see ad-) + point "point," from Latin punctum "small hole made by pricking" (from nasalized form of PIE root peuk- "to prick"). The ground sense is "to come to a point (about some matter)," therefore "agree, settle." Meaning "put in charge, authoritatively nominate or assign" is early 15c. Related: Appointed; appointing.
So in an appointment, you come to a point (= agree) about a matter with someone. Therefore through dis-appointment, that agreement is no longer existing. Therefore disappointment comes from dis-agreeing about something.
I might sound like a bean-counter here, but I find it essential to know the distinction between what a word actually means and how it is often misused today.
How We Create Disappointments by Ourselves
To be disappointed by someone (or something), you first need to create an appointment with them (or it). In an appointment, you come to a point (=agreement) about something. You need to establish a common understanding. That is what an appointment actually means.
So you create a definition about a relationship and its future development. But most of the time, you don't define it in the open where everyone involved can notice it and openly agree (or not) to it. No, you assume that all involved parties agree on this; on your point of view. What a great way to create disasters. And once your assumed development of the future didn't happen the way you planned you get disappointed.
This assumption doesn't necessarily need to involve others. You assume that you will behave yourself in a specific way, and when you don't, you feel disappointed by yourself.
Yes, you could even go so far that you think you have an agreement with the weather (via the forecast on TV) and when it doesn't behave the way you want it, you are disappointed because of the weather. Speak about crazy behavior.
To be disappointed means that you no longer share the same point (of view) with the other party, that you are no longer in "appointment". You no longer agree on the same point you (thought you) agreed before.
Understanding this allows you to get away from the emotional side of being disappointed to the more rational position of being able to find out why you both now aren't any longer in agreement.
What did you expect?
"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed." ― Alexander Pope
This famous quote by Alexander Pope gives us the key to understanding disappointments. Your expectations and assumptions. You assume (often unspoken) that other (or even you or outside forces like the weather) will behave in a specific way. Once they don't, you feel the disappointment.
So your assumption is the origin for your disappointment.
Now, I won't go as far as Alexander Pope, but you should communicate with others (and yourself) these critical questions to prevent unnecessary disappointments.
- What behavior are you expecting in the relationship? What behavior is the other party expecting? What steps do they (and you) need to take?
- Is this behavior realistic? Can the person (and you) do this in the first place?
- Does the person want to do it? Do you? If you go against their or your free will, and you want to force them to do something, you set both parties up for pain.
And once something happened, and your expected result didn't come to fruition, you should ask yourself these questions, to improve the next time:
- Did the person (or you) take the agreed-upon steps?
- If not, then what stopped them (or you) from taking the steps? Was it within or outside their (or your) control?
- Do both parties still want to achieve the goal, and are both able to agree on a different approach to achieve it?
While these steps won't guarantee you'll never be disappointed in your life, checking your (and the other parties) assumptions will sure lessen a lot of the pain that often comes with it.
Photo by Aliyah Jamous on Unsplash
