There is nothing usual anymore.
“How are you these days?”, a friend asked me recently.
This is the only relevant question that remains these days because of Covid-19. The usual reply came to my lips, but that's where it stopped.
How are you? Such an innocent question. Just four months earlier, this would the usual small-talk question, usually followed by the usual reply "fine". But there is nothing usual anymore.
People now expect to hear and be confronted with small or big catastrophes as a truthful answer to this question. Too often, you hear something like: "I lost my job", "I don't know if I will make it through this", "My parents are ill" or even "I lost my loved ones ". Any answer is possible nowadays - from unemployment to sickness to death.
Even those who are lucky to have work and be healthy are stressed out. Home office, kids at home, homeschooling - most people's nerves are on edge, and they are afraid.
Afraid of the illness or its financial effect on their lives.
Afraid of what the world will be in the next six months.
Still, I am one of the lucky ones. In Germany, the infection rate and the associated death rate are low - compared to Sweden or the US. The death toll is so small that some people don't take this as a severe threat any longer and rush out to the lakes and beaches to join the other thousands who rank a little tan for their skin higher than their health and survival. People sometimes are crazy.
I could be amongst those - all in my family are healthy; my clients continue to pay their invoices on time and are still healthy enough to maintain all projects where I'm involved. I have more to do now than before Covid-19.
So if I answered with "fine "to this question - I wouldn't be lying. But that wouldn't do justice to the luck I had. I am not fine - I am lucky to be alive; I am healthy; I am financially stable; I am thankful that my loved ones are healthy.
Memento Mori - "Remember you too will die"
This realization brings to mind the old teaching of the Stoics: Memento Mori - "Remember you too will die". The constant vicinity of death was one of central teachings for them. Life is fragile; it could end any minute, and you might not see death coming.
In ancient Rome, there was the tradition of cheering the victorious military leaders through a parade. The general rode in a chariot through the streets, but behind the general, in the same chariot, was placed a slave whose sole responsibility was to remind the general of his mortality. "Memento mori", the slave would whisper, "Someday you will die". This mantra acted as a counter-mechanism to the possibility of hubris by the Romans. Even on your brightest day, death could lurk just around the corner.
However, the stoics did not intend for you to become depressed and fall into despair. They used this insight of death's inevitable appearance as a wake-up call to live life to the fullest (without rushing into Hedonism), to not waste time on hate, fear, or hunting for false idols or ideas.
What is essential in your life? It is not the money, the fame, the toys. It is that which you can't buy: enjoying time with your loved ones and your friends, bonding with strangers, helping each other where we can (even with social distancing).
A Memento Mori Meditation
I really wanted to get a grip on this in my life. I realized that I needed to define what I would label as essential, looking back on my life during the last hours of my life. And I needed to determine what I need to do to make sure these things happen in my life.
So, I came up with a slightly uncomfortable memento mori meditation.
Imagine Death coming to you. Picture him/her/it the way you like - as a traditional skeleton character or witty and kind like the character Death from the Sandman comics (I rather prefer the latter version).
Imagine Death telling you that you would die in 1 year. It would be painless, and you didn't need to be afraid of it. You should, however, bring your earthly affairs in order by then.
What would you do? Make a list of:all the people you want to tell that you loved them or are glad that you have met them.
all the financial things you need to do to secure your loved ones.
all people you held a grudge against - and how to resolve those.
all instructions you need to make for the people to read once you're gone.
everything else that comes to your mind which you need to take care of before you die.
If you dare, you can repeat the process with one month/week or even one day to live. How would you prioritize? How would this change your list?
A brutal awakening for me
The first time I did this meditation, it was shocking to me how many things I had neglected, especially about the security and wellbeing of my loved ones. I had pushed the idea of me dying so far away, that this was a rather brutal awakening.
I created a checklist to make sure my parents and my wife were financially secure for at least two years after my death. That was step 1, which meant investing in some term life insurances to cover this risk. Step 2 was creating some investment funds in which I deposit monthly a certain percentage of my income for them.
I also documented all the necessary information my wife will need in case of my death: the most important documents, files, passwords, accounts, contacts, etc. All of this was in the back of my mind, suppressed, but continuously nagging me. Bringing this to the surface and then making a plan to act on was an experience of inner freedom.
Also, I ensured that communication and time with family and friends became a more prominent part of my weekly planning. Again, this was something that on a subconscious level was nagging me, but the nagging was drowned by all the busy stuff I had in my life.
Bringing the inevitability of death into my consciousness made me realize that my priorities were way off. I wasn’t living the life I wanted, not because I was so busy but because I wasn’t aware of how brief life could be and what should have our most attention.
The lesson to learn here is that preparing yourself for the inevitable enables you to experience life more joyfully and peacefully by becoming more aware of what is really important for you.
Bring your affairs in order even if you don't know when death will come. Death will come someday, and you want to enjoy living a full life until then.
And looking back in these last moments you might then be able to smile and recognize that you designed your life as a good life.
Memento mori and seize the day.
Photo by Aron Visuals on Unsplash
