We all have been in this situation. Several years into a relationship, and somehow the passion has gone, and all that is left is you looking at someone, who gets you angry or frustrated no matter what he or she does. How come?
While it is true, that after several months the butterflies in your stomach won’t come that easy by just looking in each other’s eyes, it is also possible to stop this negative trend. And if you think that your relationship is already on a dead track, then here is how to reverse it and put some new life into it.
Disclaimer This article aims at men and women alike, so whenever I use “him” or “her” it is also true for the opposite sex. When it comes to our minds reaction in relationship troubles, we tend to react more alike than we sometimes think.
Hidden, but Unfulfilled Expectancies
We all want something. We have expectations in each other. We want our partner to do something for us, and we want him to behave in a certain way to make us feel good.
But what happens, if this expectancy of happiness gets not fulfilled anymore by our partner. We get frustrated and out of that frustration, we start to reproach them.
It is a typical situation: The man comes home, tired from work. He wants to just relax in front of the TV, drink a beer and wants to calm down. Suddenly, his wife reproaches him, saying that he always hangs in front of that damn TV, doing nothing and that the household is a mess, and she is the only one doing anything to keep it tidy, and she goes on and on and on. He then often just shuts down or even tries to escape into a bar. Or he makes a mental note to next time work later, so he won’t be home to experience another bashing, while at the same time having a good excuse.
Does this sound familiar? It happens all the time. How did it happen? Weren’t they happy about it just some years ago?
Frustration through unfulfilled expectancies happens sooner or later in every relationship.
The Reptilian Brain Reaction
The problem is, we take this frustration personal. We think that the other person did it with bad intention, and then our reptilian brain kicks in (Fight or Flight), and so we start to attack. Of course an attack triggers nothing else but another reptilian brain reaction, either defending, re-attacking or fleeing from a threat.
This is what ultimately will lead to divorce.
Divorce in this case is nothing but a logical step for the reptilian brain, an escape from constant threads.
How Can We Stop This Pattern of Reptilian Brain Reaction?
We need to switch our focus from the protective, reptilian brain to the constructive part of our brain, that allows us to achieve what we want.
A reproach focuses your mind on what you don’t want, and since the universe sends all the power to what you focus on, that is what you get – more of what you don’t want. A reproach is also something that the subconscious of your partner interprets as an attack, so it switches into defense or re-attack mode. In this mode argumentation is very difficult, and since the mind is already in survival mode (defending yourself is a form of survival), it is not focused on constructive problem solution, but mere on how to escape from the situation as good as possible. That is the reason why your partner being reproached by you shuts down, leaves the house, goes to his favorite pub or prefers working longer. All methods of escaping a threatening situation that you put him in through your reproach.
A statement of desire, on the other hand, puts your focus on what you want, and via the same universal law, you get more of it.
All you got to do is reformat your reproaches into statements of desire.
The Transformation Process
Here is how to do it:
Step 1: Write Down All Reproaches
- Write it all down, put it on paper.
- Write down even the things you haven’t told your partner yet. What really sucks in the relationship? Don’t hold back. This is for your eyes only.
- Use a new line for each reproach.
- Then draw a separating line and note the reproaches he used on you.
Step 2:Transform Each of These Reproaches Into a Statement of Desire
- Take each reproach statement from Step 1 and find out, what you really want from this reproach. What is your real core motive behind it?
- What do you want your partner to do? Get precise. Write down what your partner could do to make you happy. Write down what action steps would make the reproach obsolete.
- On your partners reproaches: Try to step into his shoes. What did he expect from you, that you haven’t fulfilled? How could you fulfill his desires? What action steps could you take. Again, be proactive and not defensive.
It is essential to get into a positive communication. Once you have your list ready, go to your partner and tell him what you want, what your desires are, and what you want him to do.
Then you should also ask him to do the same. Compare your lists, find out your real desires, your core motives that once brought you into a relationship. These motives are still there, and they can help you to re-ignite the passion and love that you so crave for.
Give it a shot – and miracles might happen.
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